In most of my relationships, I have always felt single but not by choice. I wouldn’t entertain another man that wasn’t my so-called spouse. But as for him? Until I was in his sight, he consider himself single. Therefore, it would be several men whom I dated who felt this way. I held my man down but he wouldn’t even try to hold my hand. So, I get why women are tired of being faithful to men who basically believe they are still single until marriage. However, men still believe they’re single EVEN when they’re married. When I was monogamous with men, they never wanted to take things to the next level. I was always the second choice and eventually, led me to snap. If I asked where we’re going I was rushing the relationship. If I kept quiet and went with the flow then, I wasn’t vocal about what I wanted. That when I knew that these guys had no interested in committing to me, just love the perks of dating me. Frankly, I got fed up with giving myself away on the hopes that this one will be the one. So, I just said fuck it and left commitment alone. But when I tired this new method of dating, it left me wondering why is everyone so fucking afraid of commitment.

No one is fully committed until they’re committed in their mind. Relationships are a state of mind, and if you can’t commit in your mind then you won’t commit to the relationship period. Therefore, the only one who press for titles are people who’re looking for validation just to be unsatisfied with the validation they’re given. Let be clear, I don’t agree with the thoughts of “dating until marriage.” I’m too old fashion for that bull****. I don’t see myself stringing along several different men just to keep myself from getting hurt. The motive with “single until married” preposition becoming incredibly clear: for some, it is little more than a smokescreen used to deflect away from one’s lack of desire to engage in a fully monogamous relationship. It’s impossible to overlook the reality that some folks really just use this as an excuse to string people along. In reality, the “single until you’re married” sentiment has no practical value. Before you say, “I do,” you must get to know someone, invest and exchange feelings, meet and deal with each other’s families and develop a life plan for you two as a married couple. That’s not being single. That’s the development stages of what you hope will be a lifelong union. Anyone who labels that as simply being single is someone who actually wants the benefits of being single, while also reaping the rewards of being in a relationship. Which in the end, someone will still end up hurt.

In the end, it’s the competition aspect of the fact that they know you have other options. As you notice men/ women are more into you when you have other options? Its like people love that trill of the chase. The race to see who can capture this person heart first. However, as I always ask once you capture that person heart, will you still want to be with them? I’ve asked many women and they all pretty much agreed that as long as a man isn’t married, they are fair game. They said being engaged is just the start of a committed relationship, so they wouldn’t pursue a relationship with man who is engaged. However, I asked them how they would feel if another woman did the same to them and none of them would answer. In the end most people settle with this kind of relationship just to avoid getting hurt.

While no title ever really matters. You can have the title of the “wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband” or whatever comes to mind. But until that person MIND is committed, then that commitment doesn’t mean anything. What people seem to forget when they have these debates are the person’s in question mindset. You sit here and try to understand why “hurt people hurt” but doesn’t take the time to understand that hurt person state of mind. People who do this are scared of getting hurt, partially because they been hurt in the past. So, getting in situation-ships satisfies your complicated ego; so you won’t ever be lonely, but you won’t ever be hurt again, either. But one day you will see that you are actually hurting the other person. You’re getting their hopes up, just to killed them like your dreams were killed. They envision you will see this outstanding person in front of you. Just for you to continue to run from commitment. Single until marriage sound like an easy plan, date until you find what you’re truly looking for. However, no matter how you try to paint this as easy, you’re not realizing that you are building your own state of karma. Understand that every poor decision that we make when we decide to tear down another person’s relationship, only affect you when you meet the one. You will sit there wondering why you’re having these problems without looking back at all the hell that you caused in the past. Which lead to the question, if titles are just titles, then why are we so hang up on them in the first place? If we feel single until marriage, why do we get upset when someone doesn’t want to claim us? But I guess, that another conversation for another day. If you want to date, then date but it not fair to waste another person time until you’re ready to settle down. Cause no matter how you try to avoid catching feelings, you will catch them. And you can run from how you feel but eventually they will catch up to you. But hell, what do I know? I’m just here to share my thoughts, while on my journey of self.

That is All

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By Judaea Payne

My name is judaea and I write about love and the bullshit that comes with it. Oh and I write about music as well.