I wasn’t always a good friend. I take ownership. I was selfish and I had a wall up, because I had so much going on in my life. I didn’t have time to be a good friend. The mistake I made was when I was trying to keep friends around, knowing that I needed my space and couldn’t give them the attention they needed. The thing about growth is that we fight it. We claim that we are cool with growing but we are actually running from it. One thing we don’t run from is ending a toxic relationship. I tried to write this three times but I wasn’t being real with myself but its only so many ways that you can dress up the truth, until it comes out. We all have a problem with letting go of people that are not well for us. We can know that this person isn’t good for us but we keep them around anyway and it is nothing that we hold on to, like a toxic friendship.

You can’t spell “friends” without E-N-D. Sometimes you can’t “end” a friendship no matter how dead it can be. If you are like me, you’re probably watching season 5 of Issa Rae’s Insecure and with this season we are seeing an example of what happens when a friendship dies. On last Sunday’s show, Issa and Molly reminded us of, just how out of sync they were when they tried to communicate with each other about which of them was going to take a parking spot outside Tiffany and Derek’s place. After giving up the space, Issa parked at the church next to the “titty bar” and listened to a message from Nathan as she walked to the new parents’ home. She didn’t have to call him back, he said. He’d just heard about the block party from Andrew and was pumped for her. Meeting up with Molly on the front steps, Issa apologized for missing their last few self-care Sundays. Molly understood; she was always working, anyway. But they still wanted to do SCS’s, they agreed… awkwardly as hell. Their friendship this season is like watching a train wreck in slow motion! “Change tracks!” I want to yell. Molly and Issa display a prime example of what it looks like when two people avoid ending a friendship that’s probably run its course.

Nonetheless, not all friendships should end if you actually sit down and address the issue. HOWEVER, if you sit there and don’t handle the problem first hand, then the problem expands. If you’ve ever wondered how people who once shared such a close knit bond easily drift apart, you need look no further than this season of Insecure. When the season opened with Issa stating that she didn’t f*ck with Molly anymore, we were all shocked. But after last night’s episode, it’s clear that a lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior, conflict avoidance and downright pettiness are all contributing factors to the deterioration of their friendship. And while these elements have always been present in their relationship in one way or another, this season it hits o so differently. With Issa coming into herself (finally) and Molly showing more willingness to put in work with a man, these two don’t know what to do with themselves in their friendship. This leaves us all wondering if their individual evolution has contributed to them growing a part.

As we saw, Molly is doing a new thing and expressing her feelings, making compromises and making adjustments for Andrew, who’s only been in her life for a hot second. What’s particularly terrible about Molly and Andrew is the fact that Andrew just doesn’t care about her, AT ALL but Molly is still choosing to put in the work for him when he’s probably not the right one to put in work for. She believes that he’s supportive but he’s really just looking for a way out. Molly thinks because Andrew doesn’t complain when she has to work late that he loves her and understands her but it really just means that he doesn’t care. She’s ignoring the red alert that he still doesn’t share any information about himself and that he still has a wall up. When Molly wanted to talk about her work, he checked out. They’re too early in this relationship for him to be acting like he doesn’t care about what’s important to her, and it appears that we are going to see just how this relationship will be a replacement for her friendship with Issa. Even during their chat on the couch, it seemed that Andrew just want not engaged.

Molly is so pressed with her desire to be in a happy relationship with a man, that she’s willing to force it to work with Andrew, but when it comes to working out her longtime friendship with Issa, she clearly has no interest in doing the same. In my opinion, she should be the one to step up, since she has the biggest issue. Now, don’t get me wrong! Issa was wrong to call on Molly for a favor, when she was not even willing to talk to the girl. In all honesty, neither one of them are being great friends to one another. Issa have been consistently dodging any attempts to have a real and honest conversation about the state of their relationship. There has been more than a few occasions when Molly has made provisions for her, and Issa has flaked. Since there is a dark cloud over their friendship right now, it was not the best time to be asking for favors but Issa did it anyway because she could benefit. Issa is laser-focused right now on building her career but she didn’t even notice that Molly needed her. This is the typical inbalance in a friendship, as we get to observe on the outside looking in, a friendship out of sync.

Sometimes we need to step away from friendships to get our lives together. I’m learning that the unhealthiest thing we can do is being around people when we know we’re not at our best. As a result, we end up losing people that we honestly need in our lives simply because we can’t admit to ourselves that we suck, and that we are not in the position to be a good friend at the present time. Not conversation, not time, NOTHING positive. When it comes to our important friendships, it’s absolutely necessary that we keep the big picture in mind and be honest with ourselves and our friends. Communication, mindfulness, consideration and transparency is the only way that we can save a friendship and stop it from being broken beyond repair. However, our pride and ego will get us killed in the end if we are not careful. We will lose it all because our pride holds more weight, then being real. Hopefully Issa and Molly can fix their relationship, but I just don’t see it happening….on this season anyway. Nonetheless, always remember that sometimes walking away, serves more good than staying. Like Issa’s brother stated, “we don’t have to do anything that we do not want to do just because we are expected to.”

That is All

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By Judaea Payne

My name is judaea and I write about love and the bullshit that comes with it. Oh and I write about music as well.