It’s mid-February and the day after Valentine’s day, and all the new year’s resolutions that you’ve made for yourself the month before, are all deteriorating before your eyes. You said you’d lose 15 lbs, and yet you’ve gained 5. You said this is the year of a 4.0, but one test into the semester, you’ve decided that C’s get degrees. You’ve made it a goal to focus on self-love, because frankly, you’re “a strong black woman that don’t need no man,” however, you see the heart shaped boxes and jumbo teddy bears flooding the aisles of the grocery store for Valentine’s day, and immediately you feel doomed to be single forever. Now what?

Love is an emotion that all humans crave in any dynamic. Even if your current state of affairs is “no strings attached” fun, love is irrevocably the most craved emotion for individuals of walks of life. In a society that emphasizes the importance of to love and be loved, it is hard for Valentine’s Day to be a holiday that is not dreaded for singles. You see yourself contemplating sending the “hey bighead” text to your ex, avoiding fights with your partner, and being extra suggestive in conversations, just to solidify your Valentine gift or date. The media portrays love as not only ideal, but essential.

Make a list of all the things and people you love. You may say you love your parents, your house, your car, or even your job. However, how long will the list continue before you even think to say you love yourself? While Valentine’s day is often expressed as a holiday for couples to express their love and affection for one another, little do we often attribute this day to merely just the sake of love, in any form. This is not to undermine the importance of healthy relationships, but to be cognizant of the most important relationship that one could have–the one they share with themselves. Now, this notion may seem corny or cliche, but this adage holds much truth to the fact that self-love is the best love. Eating buckets of ice cream, listening to Mary J. Blige’s “Real Love” will not make you any less single. Accept it. You’re single. You have to be your own Valentine, and there is absolutely nothing flawed about that. When you begin to love yourself, it is impossible to ever feel totally alone. We have to collectively disassociate the words “alone” and “lonely” because these words are not always synonymous. Loneliness is a subjective term.

When you seek relationships to fill a void that you yourself can’t mend, the relationship will be unsuccessful because you become dependent. One should never be dependent on anyone for their own happiness because when that source of happiness is gone, the emptiness reappears. That is why I find myself to be conflicted with phrases such as “He made me so happy” and “she brought me happiness, ”because while one should be an addition to your life and happiness, they should never be the source. If you aren’t single, focus on growing and learning about your partner as well as yourself. Love yourself, and in the word of Future Hendrix himself, in the meantime, your motto is “single and focusing what makes me happy.” After all, he said, “falling out of love is the best thing he ever did.”.Not that I am demeaning anyone looking for that special someone, nor am I being the “mad black single woman,” but as harsh at that seems, being single can actually be a good thing. Singlehood allows you to focus on yourself and your craft, while channeling your inner potential. So be happy, be yourself, and love yourself. So that way, when the time is right and that special person does come in your life, you will be able to feel happiness with them, not because of them.

~Amara Onwukaeme