An few days ago, A woman asked on Facebook “when did women become so weak for love?” The truth hurts, it has to burn before the pain ease. Before we find true love, we must learn how to love ourselves first. Being able to say that you hit a low point, and if you are able to overcome it becomes growth. None of us are perfect, but what but much is to be praised for those that can admit their flaws. Before we have peace, we must be uncomfortable first. Many women love to say they want a love like the singer Ciara, but doesn’t understand the inner truth and growth that it takes to find a love that real.

For one, I’m tired of Black men telling Black women what they need to work on. Yes, we are not perfect and we have areas as women that we need to overall work on, before jumping into a relationship. However, just to point out our flaws and mistake like that is all we’re about is just hateful. But I get it as well, for years Black women have been calling out Black men about what they need to work on. So, now that they are doing the same thing that we have been doing to them for centuries, we can’t handle the heat. As they say, ” if you can’t handle the heat then you need to step out of the kitchen.” “He that finds a wife finds a good thing,” is a quote that I notice that recent generations of women have a problem with because they simply want to know what defines a “wife”.

We see videos, and comments all the time from women and men saying, “don’t play a wife when you’re a girlfriend.” Which leaves me puzzled. Who defines “wife” duties when you’re just dating? Even the most well together sister can’t answer that question with a clear answer. First off, let me be clear that not every single woman out there is desperate to find a life partner — or a partner at all for that matter. Some women just want to live their best lives, but yes for others having someone to share it would be nice. However, that’s not a focus for every grown woman.

Secondly, a woman should not be reduced to a “girlfriend” or a “wife.” Every woman has their own paths, and is perfect in their own special way. It’s not up to you to change yourself for someone to love you (trust if you’re not yourself in the beginning then the relationship will not go nowhere). Someone will love you just as you are. It’s important for young girls to have role models who’re encouraging them to be whatever they want to be, not just wives or girlfriends. However, the standards need to be taught not just to catch a man so that they can become a better image of themselves. What women realize that having the training of becoming a wife, goes deeper than pulling a man, it will teach them the standards of what they deserve in life, and in love.

Just an couple months ago, Ciara shared a video on her Instagram of some Pastor named John Gray stating that “too many women want to be married, but are walking in the spirit of a girlfriend.” He went on to say in the video that,“A ‘wife’ is not the presence of a ring, it’s the presence of your character,” he said. “Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit [of a ‘girlfriend’], and carry yourself like you’re already taken, and I promise you, when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.”

Personally, I did not find what he said to be disrespectful, however, when you are living in a time of everyone being overly sensitive women missed the message and grilled Ciara in response. In which she simply stated “#LevelUp” in her caption. Women felt like she should’ve been the last person to even make a bold statement like that, simply because three short years ago she was just a baby mama. However, she went on to make a statement later that day stating “I was once that girl wanting to be loved a certain way but was making the wrong choices. I found myself at my lowest moment. I was a single mom sitting at home, and I then realized that the perfect love I was looking for was how God loves me, how He wants me to be loved, and who He was calling me to be as a mom and as a woman. That’s when I realized married or not married… I needed to love myself”. #LevelUp.

Ciara truth is the type of truth that women often run from. What she said wasn’t about finding a man, it was a tale of how you have to fall before you can rise up. The love she was seeking, was within herself and no man could ever give her that feeling until she knew how to love herself first. Sometimes we get so caught up in criticizing the messenger instead of embracing the message.

No women wants to be reduced to just a wife or girlfriend. We are more than that, we are changing the world as we speak. It’s no prouder moment than to be a woman than right now. The changes that’s in store for us are amazing. We have so many doors open for us and we are daily breaking old ceilings. Whether or not you agree with anyones stance of what defines a wife, it is clear that perpetuating a message that women are the ones who shoulder the burden of finding and keeping a happy marriage isn’t a good look. Being married is nothing but a status. A woman’s success should not depend on her relationship status. Yet, people still look over all the good that we can accomplish just because we do not have a ring. But hey what do I know, I’m just here to share my thoughts on my journey of self.

That Is All

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By Judaea Payne

My name is judaea and I write about love and the bullshit that comes with it. Oh and I write about music as well.